How Couples Damage Their Relationship

Negative patterns in your relationship are destructive. Recognize them, clear them up, and include positive, loving experiences that make you feel safe.  These negative patterns are toxic.  There are killers of sexual desire. These patterns can destroy the positive things about your relationship that drew you together in the first place.  Here they are:

 

1.Escalation

2.Invalidation

3.Negative interpretations

4.Withdrawal and avoidance

 

Escalation: Negative Reactivity

 

Escalation happens when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually contributing to conditions that get worse and worse.  Negativity often spirals into destructive anger and frustration.  The inclination to go from simple anger to hurtful comments about each other definitely damages a relationship. All couples experience anger from time to time.  It's when you move from being angry and to showing contempt for your partner that causes the greatest amount of damage.

 

Sometimes people will say damaging things while arguing  that escalate  and are out of control. People may say things that threaten the very lifeblood of their relationship– things not easily taken back.    As their frustration mounts,  reckless words do a lot to damage to sexuality and intimacy.

 

Softening your tone and validating your partner's viewpoint are strong tools you can employ to dampen escalation.   If you have these recurring negative interactions, you may  recognize that you have to give up needing to win. 

 

Invalidation: Feeling Unheard

  

Invalidation occurs when one partner puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.  When arguments move from arguing about behaviors to a attacking your partner's character, irreparable damage may be done.   Invalidation sets up barriers in your relationship.  It leads to hiding who you are and what you think and feel because it's too risky to disclose anything about yourself.

 

Showing respect for and validation of the viewpoint of the other is crucial. When people communicate positively, there is ownership of feelings, respect for each other's character, and an emphasis on validation.  By validation, we mean that the one raising the concern is respected and heard.

 

 

Negative Interpretations: What You Perceive Isn't Necessarily Reality

 

When relationships become distressed, negative interpretations about your partner's behavior mount and help create demoralization.  Negative interpretations have a corrosive effect on your relationship.   The positive aspects of the relationship get unrecognized and nothing each does is recognized as positive by the other. This individual may interpret his partner's behavior in a negative light.

 

Negative interpretations are similar to mind reading.  You are mind reading when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she behaves in a certain way.  When your mind reading includes negative judgments about the thoughts and motives of your partner, you may be headed toward real trouble in your relationship.

 

Negative interpretations are something you have to confront within yourself.  Only you can control how you interpret your partner's behavior.  You must push yourself to look for evidence that is contrary to the negative interpretation you usually make. If you believe that your partner is uncaring, you need to look for evidence to the contrary.

 

Be an optimist by assuming the best, not the worst, about your significant other.

 

 

Withdrawal and Avoidance:  Stonewalling Your Partner

 

Stonewalling occurs when one partners shows an unwillingness to talk about important discussions.  Withdrawal can be getting up and leaving the room or  “turning off” or “shutting down” during a disagreement.  Avoidant partners    can get quiet during an argument or may agree quickly to some suggestion just to end the conversation.

 

When dealing with difficult issues, one partner pursues dealing with relationship conflicts and one avoids or withdraws from dealing with issues.   Issues of avoidance and withdrawal are among the most powerful predictors of divorce. Pursuit and withdrawal may be normal in relationships, but normal isn't necessarily healthy.  As pursuers push more, withdrawers withdraw more. The result is a stalemate.

 

 Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW, is a couples counselor and sex consultant with a private practice in Manhattan, N.Y.    She can be reached at 212-673-5717. For getting more information about counseling for couples NY and relationship counselor New York.