Overcoming Codependency: Warning Signs & How to Conquer It

All studies point that codependence is an addiction in and of itself. It’s described as a set of maladaptive, compulsory behaviours developed by an individual in an atmosphere of great emotional stress brought about by a loved one’s drinking problem or other addictions, chronic illness, or physical abuse. To put it simply, codependency is more than being consoled by your spouse or loved one’s presence and wanting to be always there for them – think of it as a kind of support that is so exaggerated that it becomes unhealthy. 

Read on to learn about codependency and how it can affect those around you, how to recognize signs of codependency, and resources for learning more about overcoming codependency. 

Codependent Personality Disorder 

Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships.

Researchers initially introduced the term “codependency” in the 1940s in order to describe specific behaviour patterns they noticed in individuals and family members of people living with alcohol use disorder. 

However, today experts agree that codependency has a more complex and nuanced meaning – and can occur in many situations, not just ones involving substance abuse. 

Codependency destabilised a relationship. More often than not, one person becomes overly responsible, enabling the other to avoid responsibility and under-function. When one person struggles with addiction, emotional immaturity, or mental illness, they remain stuck. And that’s partly because the codependent individual makes excuses for them, bears all the responsibility, and makes sure they’re taken care of. 

At some point, everyone can develop a codependent relationship. It can be either with a spouse, a parent, child, or a friend. The chance is you have multiple codependent traits, and many of your relationships are affected. You may always try to please, fix, help and control other people and situations. Codependent people become so untangled in other people’s problems – often obsessed – that they lose track of who they are, what they want, and how to be happy within themselves. 

Warning Signs 

Codependency is often triggered in people who grew up in dysfunctional families and struggled with codependency in adulthood. The traits occur as a result of childhood trauma, often in families where one parent is mentally ill, addicted, neglectful, or abusive. Such traits are usually passed down through generations in dysfunctional families and may look like this: 

• Low levels of narcissism 

• Low self-esteem 

• Anxiety 

• Stress 

• Depression 

• Lack of emotional expressivity 

• Having poor boundaries 

• Not being able to say NO 

• Being emotionally reactive 

• Always taking care of others 

• Increased need for control, especially over others 

• Not communicating honestly 

• Fixating on mistakes 

• Denying one’s feelings, thoughts and needs 

• Having intimacy issues

• Confusing love and pity 

• Being afraid of abandonment  

How to Conquer Codependency 

Overcoming codependency means rebalancing ourselves. Instead of focusing massively on what others need, we must first consider our own needs, thoughts, and emotions, and make them a top-of-mind priority. There’s a good chance you can overcome codependency on your own. Learning about what it means, the triggers and the harm it causes can be enough for some individuals to change their behaviour. 

• Explore the past to understand the present 

We know this is tough work. To be able to abandon the weight of others’ opinions isn’t easy for codependent individuals since most of their life, they have sought validation and approval from others. But in order to break this habit, you need to understand the underlying triggers and put your childhood experiences under a scanner. 

How can you do that? Start evaluating your family and childhood history and see if there was any specific event that may have caused you to ignore your own needs. However, because this kind of self-journey can sometimes be emotionally crushing, don’t hesitate to seek the support of a therapist.   

• Do you deny a codependent relationship?

There’s a good chance that you may have already mastered the art of sweeping the unpleasing facts of your relationship under the carpet. You may not realise it, but that’s one of the many faces of codependency.  

However, you cannot treat this problem unless you recognize it and acknowledge it. It takes time to get in touch with your emotions and thoughts and see your relationship from another point of view. If that’s simply too much to bear by yourself, consider group therapy, so you can be sure you have a safe and appropriate space to express your feelings and learn problem-solving skills.   In doing so, you will be able to discuss your experiences with others who understand and are eager to offer support. 

• Notice how you react 

Notice how you react when you interact with others or when you are worried. If you do react, withdraw, or attack, this might be a sign that you don’t have control over your emotions. You might be tempted to self-cope by engaging in over-eating or substance abuse. Or, in most cases, you may become passive towards others. More often than not, a codependent person may try to blame others, attack through aggrieved statements or exhibit aggression. 

• Set healthy boundaries 

People in healthy relationships are supportive of each other, but they also respect each other’s privacy and personal boundaries. These are the limits that establish what we’re willing and unwilling to accept in a relationship.

Find what’s acceptable to you. Obviously, you always listen to your partner and be there, but don’t let their problems and negativity consume your life. Be proactive and learn to say NO to requests that step over your boundaries. 

• Practice valuing yourself 

If your self-esteem suffers because of codependency, you might have trouble developing a sense of self-worth outside your relationship. 

Nonetheless, improved self-worth can boost your self-esteem, happiness, and confidence. You will be able to set healthy boundaries and express your needs, both of which are vital to overcoming codependency. 

Loving yourself could mean: 

• Doing things that you enjoy 

• Surrounding yourself with carrying individuals 

• Take care of your health by practising meditation, getting enough sleep and eating healthy 

• Letting go of negative self-talk

Finally, if you have a hard time recognizing your own needs and taking care of yourself, a therapist can help you break a pattern of codependency by offering you support and compassionate guidance.