The Soccer Malady...

There are two primary reasons grown men continue to run up and down fields of play... kicking and head-butting balls, trying to get that elusive goal that many never get... a ball through the goalie for a score.

1. As children playing soccer since they started at the age of 2 1/2, they've had so many balls bounce up side their noggins that they can't reason anymore... all they know is, "I've gotta get that ball past the goalie for my first lifetime score."

And so, they keep running up and down the field kicking and head-butting that ball trying for their first-ever goal... that's all their battered, scrambled brain cells can process.

2. As players, their families have ingrained into their scrambled brain cells (because so many balls have hit 'em up side the noggin) that they can't retire until they get at least their first goal.

In fact, multiple generations are still playing and trying to get that elusive one goal so they can finally retire... and not pass into the next life forever tagged as a goal-less loser.

Mummys and daddies start going to soccer matches with their little darlings at the tender age of 2 1/2 to watch them learn to run up and down the field kicking and head-butting that soccer ball past a goalie for a score.

The kids aren't allowed to quit playing unless they have scored a goal.

So... the kids grow into teens and even grown men still trying for their first lifetime goal so they can finally quit. But family shame keeps them pursuing that elusive... a "I can finally quit now... thank God!"

Fathers still playing because they haven't scored a goal have their own children who start playing at 2 1/2... so both are now pursuing that elusive first and only goal so they can quit.

Then grandfathers who are still playing to score a goal have grandchildren who in turn start playing at 2 1/2 also. All chasing that elusive first and only goal during their life so now the entire family can quit playing.

And then... grandfathers have great grandchildren start up their soccer careers at 2 1/2 to chase their dream. It's now become a family obsession... someone please score a damn goal so we can all retire!

Mummys, grandmummys, great grandmummys spend all their spare time going to soccer matches of someone in their family who's running up and down the field trying to get a goal so the family can lift their heads up in pride instead of constantly having a "hang dog" look.

Countries are having a problem creating and maintaining enough fields for the multiple generations to chase that first and only goal.

Divorce courts are filled with generations of women who have finally given up and simply want out of the elusive goal chase of their addled, brain-scrambled men folk.

Funerals are filled with women folk who sentimentally place a soccer ball in the casket of their dying men folk so if there's an afterlife that has soccer, the pursuit of that first and only goal can still take place.

Politicians are beginning to place the "soccer problem" at the top of their countries list of things that need a fix. So far, there are so permanent solutions that have worked.

And so... little boys, fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers... and even beyond... are still running up and down fields... chasing that ever-elusive first and only goal... with seemingly no end in sight.

And more and more addled, brain-scrambled, drooling men are seen wandering the streets trying to locate their next scheduled match... hoping against hope for that first and only soccer goal!

Hoping to finally end a family pursuit of at least having one member of their family who has scored a goal!

The long, sad soccer malady continues to this day.