But this fact — the immutable, inevitable, impossibly obvious fact we will die as surely as we were born — is something we all deny for most of our lives. You’d think we’re never going to die, the way we cower and second-guess and fret over each little action. We act like what we do today will forever alter the flow of creation, of time, of space. Every move is vital. Each little event could upset the delicate balance. Everything is of paramount importance.
We can’t do things differently, because the system, however imperfect, works and is extremely delicate. We might upset it by thinking outside the box.
We have to weigh every decision, because a butterfly flapping its wings in Nova Scotia could cause a hurricane in Guam. Or, as Homer Simpson taught us, if you kill a mosquito in dinosaur times, Ned Flanders might become the unquestioned lord and master of the universe.
We can’t do something that might make us look ridiculous, because first impressions last forever.
We can’t try and fail, because then we’ll be ruined forever.
Think a scar (or a tattoo, for that matter) is permanent? It’s not. Your body was literally formed from stardust and will eventually return there. The duration of a scar doesn’t even register on the big time line. In fact, I heard that God watches jewelry commercials and LOL’s when they say that diamonds are forever. It’s all a big joke up there. There’s a drinking game in Heaven, where angels do a shot every time humans invest “for the long term.”
What are you so fucking worried about?
You are here now. Eventually, you will be gone. You have but a nanosecond on the universal clock to do whatever it is you’re going to do. When that time is gone, it’s gone. Forever.
That means that although what you do doesn’t matter to the universe, it should matter one hell of a lot to YOU.
In fact, it should matter to you more than it currently does. If you knew how small you are and how short a time you have to do what you can, you wouldn’t waste time watching five fucking hours of TV a day. You wouldn’t waste time doing a job you hate. You wouldn’t waste the little time you have dealing with assholes, feeling sorry for yourself, or being timid about the things you’d really like to do.
I’m 35, and it dawned on me just recently that it’s not at all long before I’ll be forty. And forty is FUCKING OLD in the mind of a guy with the mentality and sense of humor of a teenager. I mean, hell, you can make an argument for 30 being young despite the fact that the MTV crowd says different, but forty-something is what your grandmother was.
Nikki, 23, has had a lot of good sex. Actually, she’s had a lot of great sex. But then there was the night, a little more than three years ago, when a college fling came over shortly after he’d attended an on-campus workshop about female orgasms. It was a night filled with such mind-blowingly awesome sex, words like good or great couldn’t begin to do it justice.
“I’m used to guys just wanting to get to the point,” Nikki says. “But he undressed me slowly before fondling my breasts and then moving on to my clitoris. He spent a lot of time massaging my clit while sticking a finger inside me to stroke my G-spot at the same time. I was screaming for him to fuck me, but he just grinned and kept going. It was only after I came for the first time that he finally gave in to my begging.”
Along with her favorite shoes, wine, and movie, every woman has a favorite fuck—that intense, pleasure-filled experience that earned the top spot in her sex hall of fame. And behind every stand-out orgasm there’s a great man, or at least one who can legitimately brag about his boning skills. You could be one of them—just read about what exactly gave the ladies we spoke with the most memorable nights (or days) of their lives.
Great Beginnings
You know you’ve gotta preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey (thank you, American Pie 2). But amazing foreplay—the type that sets the stage for her best sex ever—requires a little creativity.
Brittany,* 23, knew she was in for a hot night when a now-ex of hers pulled out a blindfold. “We decided to try tying up and bondage-type stuff just for the heck of it,” she says. “There was something about being physically unable to do anything to him in return and not knowing when he was about to kiss my thigh or lick one of my nipples. You’re never exactly sure what's going to happen, and that’s incredibly hot.”
For Molly, 32, a change of setting was the ultimate turn-on. “For our anniversary, we went to a spa and got a private hot tub,” she says. “It was outdoors, so we could see the stars, and he started using a vibrator and going down on me while I was sitting on the edge with my legs dangling in the water.”
Of course, you don’t need S&M props or an exotic locale to land a starring role in her horny daydreams. But you do need to show her, right off the bat, that getting her off is what gets you off.
“After a night of making out with a man I’d met online, he texted me the next morning and asked if he could bring over coffee,” says Victoria, 32. “As soon as he got to my place, he put the coffee down and shoved me against the counter, started kissing down the side of my neck, and really paid attention to how I responded physically. Anytime he did something that made me gasp, he got visibly excited and kept on doing it.”
The Main Event
While the best foreplay often involves her finishing, that doesn’t mean she’s finished for the night. Giving her a highlight-reel-worthy orgasm before sex even technically starts makes anything you do once you’re inside her that much better—especially if you let her know she’s doing as mind-blowing a job turning you on as you did turning her on.
“My best time ever was with my boyfriend, about eight months ago,” says Jess, 24. “After getting me off with his hands, he let me get on top and take charge. Hearing him grunt in pleasure at what I was doing…I can’t even explain. A lot of times guys won’t make any noise or response, so it made me even hornier to know how hot I was making him.”
When Heather, 37, started seeing a man she met on the adulterous dating site AshleyMadison.com, she quickly realized he had a thing for getting frisky in public—and so did she. “He invited me to a movie premiere and put his hand down my pants during the show,” she says. “He brought me to orgasm right there as the man next to me watched. Then, when we got to the parking garage, he took off my pants and fucked me while I was leaning against his car.”
The new man that Cheri, 35, was dating showed her how turned on he was by taking a more-the-merrier approach.“I must have finished at least six times,” she says, “and you could tell he got hornier each time.”
Even saying you’re about to finish—something you might assume would be the ultimate turnoff—can make her feel like a sex goddess. “The guy I was with told me he was about to come and that he didn’t want to finish that fast,” Victoria says. “So he pulled me on top to slow himself down. Then, when I started rubbing myself with him inside of me, he kept going on about how hot it was. Knowing I was turning him on kept me going and made me come almost instantly after that.”
Finishing Touch
If her pinkie toes are curling and she’s moaning like crazy, you can already count the sex a success. But the women I spoke with said each of their men did something special mid-O to take it from pretty-fucking-amazing to holy-shit-do-that-again.
“I’d been going at it with this guy for more than an hour—which seems like it would be painful but was actually totally awesome,” says Autumn, 34. “Then, right as I started to orgasm, he pushed himself even deeper inside of me. In a moment where I had such heightened sensations, it was incredible to get even more of him.”
Tamar, 27, had her hottest experience shortly after she started hitting the sack with a cop she met on Election Day a couple of years ago (he was patrolling the voting site she visited). “One time really stands out,” she says. “When I was finishing, he kept asking, ‘Are you going to come more?’ like he really wanted me to keep going. That definitely made me come for longer—and made me more ready to do it again afterward.”
Christine, 35, always appreciates when her husband finds a way to stimulate her G-spot while she’s finishing. “The other night he used his finger, an internal vibrator, and an external vibrator,” she says. “Then he put himself inside me and used his penis to slowly manipulate my G-spot with long, deep strokes. Finally, when I was orgasming, he pulled his penis out
a bit to push it against me.
I felt this stream through my whole body and then just this gush of release.” Christine had ejaculated. “It was like I was on another planet,” she says.
The Aftermath
What you do post-sex has the power to seal your fate as a sex ninja—or botch the entire experience for her. “Anything other than, ‘OK, I’m going to go play a video game now,’ or instantly hopping in the shower is fine,” Brittany says. “That’s happened to me before, and it’s a buzz-kill.”
Other women say the sexiest thing to do after sex is simply to have more sex. “Once, when a guy I was hooking up with came, I figured we were done,” says Julie, 34. “But after getting some water and holding me for about 10 minutes, he started kissing me again. We went for round two—and a third orgasm for me.”
Another option: telling her she was your best ever. “When we were lying there after sex, the man I was with told me he’d just had the hottest night of his life and that I was much more open in bed than his ex had ever been,” Autumn says. “It’s nice to get positive feedback.” Hey, girls have egos that need boosting, too.
*Names have been changed
Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.”