It Was Only Physical – Advice for Working through an Affair
Many
popular country music songs imply that the only suitable ways to get over a
broken heart caused by an extramarital affair are (a) taking a baseball bat to
his truck, (b) drowning one’s sorrows through drinking, or (c) kicking him or
her to the curb and never looking back… But in spite of these cynical views, it
really is possible to move past an affair without violence, booze or throwing
the relationship out the window. Learn
more about moving on after an affair and how to start putting the pieces of the
relationship back together – as well as why both partners should be tested
after an extra-marital affair occurs to maintain their reproductive health.
Is there
hope after an affair?
While it
is true that infidelity does often result in an end to a relationship, many
couples are able to work through an affair, either on their own or with the
help of a Marriage and Family Therapist. Unfortunately, with all the hurt
feelings and hostility, couples may have difficulty having productive
conversations on their own and turn to fighting instead. Due to the intense emotions and pain
an affair brings up, it is highly recommended that couples working through this
issue seek the help of a therapist, as he or she can help to create a safe
environment in which to explore these issues. A therapist can help teach effective
communication techniques, restore trust, and validate the feelings of both
partners while getting to the root cause of the affair.
Keys to
moving on
1.
Reestablishing trust: The
feelings of deep betrayal, combined with wondering if one can ever trust one’s
partner again, are some of the most difficult issues to work through. It
will likely take a lot of time and healing before the betrayed partner can
learn to trust their mate again.
2. Establishing
open, honest communication: Effective,
honest communication will be key to establishing trust, as partners need to
learn how to speak to each other, and more importantly, listen to each other in
order to get past the cheating behavior.
3. Zero
contact with the “other” person: The
partner who was the cheater must cut off all communication and interaction with
the other person in the affair. Not
only can continued contact cause feelings to reemerge, leading to a possibility
of restarting the affair, it will be impossible for the betrayed partner to
trust that nothing is going on.
4. Be
honest, but respectful: Often
times the betrayed person needs to hear about the affair in order to establish
closure. The betrayer needs
to be honest – don’t say it happened one time if it was going on for
months. If it comes out
that more lies were used to cover up the details, all trust is lost. At the same time, nothing but hurt can
be gained from hashing over all the gory details. Whether one is the cheater or was
cheated on, just know that nothing but hurt can be gained from finding out that
the cheaters once had relations 7 times in one night, which positions they
favored, and how good it was, etc. etc.
Maintaining
Reproductive health
Whether
it was a one-time thing, or it went on for months, now that the cat is out of
the bag, both partners should be tested for partner-transmitted
infections. Any time a
person engages in intimacy with a new partner, it is wise for both partners to
be tested prior to becoming active. However, if this hasn’t taken place,
it needs to happen now. Not
only will this help restore trust; it will give the partner who was betrayed
peace of mind. Remember, even if a person is not symptomatic, he or she may
still be infected and able to pass along infections to any and all intimate
partners. For men, in
particular, getting checked out can ensure that the male organ is healthy and
free of infection. To further improve the health of the male organ, a man can
also use a daily male organ vitamin cream (health professionals recommend Man
1 Man Oil) which contains
nutrients to keep the male organ healthy and functioning at its highest capacity.
For additional information on most common male organ health
issues, tips on improving male organ sensitivity, and what to do to maintain a
healthy male organ, visit: http://www.man1health.com. John Dugan is a
professional writer who specializes in men's health issues and is an ongoing
contributing writer to numerous online web sites.