~Sadness Swallows Me~

Sadness swallows me,..

Endlessly.

My throat swells,

As the tears build in my eyes.

My stomach knots up,

And I feel the world around me grow smaller.

All I want is to be loved.

All I want is acceptance,

And appreciation.

I want to be smiled at,

And joked with.

I want to be held,

Cherished,

Cuddled,

And wanted.

I am scared of losing everything,

Everyone.

I try so hard,

Only to be treated like,..

Like I don’t matter,

And like everything I say

Is stupid.

I am not loved!

Not long ago,…

Just a couple weeks actually,..

Things were great.

We smiled,

Cuddled,

Spent time together.

We would talk.

He would listen.

Then his accident happened,

Besides his mother I was the only one there for him.

I took care of him.

His father treated me like shit.

We come home from the hospital,

And from that moment on, things went to hell.

Everything I say is wrong,

Nothing I do is right.

Nothing I do is good enough.

I am a worthless person.

I am ignorant.

Not important.

To quote what I have been told,..

“I am a worthless half-a-woman”

I tell him this was said to me,

He says not to worry about it,

That he loves me,

None of it matters.

I had a feeling things would change,

I cried when we got to come home

Because I knew that no matter what,

No matter how he really feels,

How he feels about me

Or how he feels about us

His father would ruin it all!

He always does.

He can’t marry me because his dad doesn’t approve.

He talks to me like crap because his dad does.

His father talks shit about me and he comes home and won’t speak to me.

All because he is thinking about what his father has said,

And for all I know, he probably agrees.

I try so damn hard!

I love him so damn much!

I want to be special again,

Loved again,

And smiled at.

I make EVERY single decision with him in mind.

Will he be mad?

Will he say yes?

Would he want steak or chicken for dinner?

Will he think I’m pretty?

Would he want me to?

Can I go here?

Should I do this or should I do that?

What he wants, thinks or needs,

Always comes before me,..

Before me and my children.

I spend endless hours crying,

Sick to my stomach,

Afraid I am going to lose him.

I get a job, (for him)

$10 an hour, at home,

It’s only part time,..

And guess what?

Still not good enough.

“What good is 15 hours a week?” he say’s

“You just don’t want to work!” he say’s

“Get a real job!” he say’s

It is a real job,

For a real company,

Doing real work,…

But…

It’s not good enough.

Because I can do it at home he doesn’t consider it a job.

Because I don’t have to drive 40 miles away, it’s not a real job.

He had an affair,

That was my fault.

It was an intense affair too,..

He loved her,..

He told her he did anyway.

I caught him with her,

Me and our daughter, who was 7 at the time.

I see it in my head every day.

Her basically on his lap,

Them smiling,

He looked happy,

Didn’t even notice me.

When I confronted them,

I wanted to beat her,…

He defended her and said “STOP!! She didn’t do anything wrong!!!”

Didn’t do anything wrong huh?

Just trying to break up a family that has been together 12 years,

Just breaking my heart,

My childrens heart,

His own daughters heart…

She knew us,.. knew us ALL before that,.

She was his brothers girlfriend at the time!

I am not perfect!

I have hurt him too!

It never got to the level it did with her,

We were always ‘broke up’ when I did things though.

I still love him.

I still changed ME for him!

I changed everything about me to please him.

I forgave him, did everything he wanted

Literally!

Just to keep him.

No matter what I do I am never good enough!

I know though that I am ten times the woman she was or is!

She is an infected, defective piece of human,..

If you want to call her that.

Besides that,..

I feel like I have to give to even get a sentence of communication,

I give up my strength,

My pride,

My opinion,

My backbone,

My family,

My friends,

My money,

Myself……

And in return I get hated,

Despised,

Lies,

Disgust,

Sworn at,

Disrespected,

Left alone,..ALL THE TIME….

Rolled eyes,

Attitude,

Mean words,…

Mean words that cut my heart like a dull knife…

The kind of knife that when it cuts you it rips the edges so it will never heal right again.

I still love him.

The thought of losing him makes me sick.

I know I don’t deserve to be treated like I am.

I know I deserve to be loved.

But I love him so deeply,…

That no matter what…

I can’t let go.

Some say my love for him is a sickness.

Maybe it is,..

But I have lost so many people in my life,..

I just don’t know if I could bear losing him too.

I honestly don’t know if my body could handle any more stress,

If my heart could handle that kind of pain again.

Is it worth suffering like this everyday?

Is it worth it to keep this little glimmer of hope I have alive?

This glimmer that things will change?

This glimmer that HE will be the REAL man he REALLY is inside.

Is it worth everything I go through to hold on for another 12 years?

Am I worth anything to anyone?

If I died tomorrow,

I wonder if anyone would really miss me?

Or would the day be just another day?

Would I be forgotten as soon as my body turned cold?

Would life go on without me and be better for those I LOVE?

I tell myself I would be missed,..

I know my children would miss me,..

But would the man I love.

I can see myself looking down,

And see everyone celebrating their new found freedom.

The freedom from me.

I am a good person,

With a huge kind heart,

A loving embrace.

I am smart,

Understanding,

Loving

And kind.

So I ask you,..

Does my heart deserve this?

Did I do something so horrible that this is my punishment?

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