~Inside My Life~
~ Inside My life ~
My life isn’t
even my own,
I give and give
and give,
My heart, my soul,
There is nothing
left for myself.
It is a vicious
cycle,
One that no one
should ever have to live,
I wake up, only
to realize that there is no one.
Empty air is the
only sound,
That and the
never ending sound of my heart
As it shatters.
While I sleep, I
dream.
I dream of a life
that I lived once,
Not so very long
ago.
A life where I
mattered,
Where my thoughts
were taken seriously,
And my feelings respected,
Only to awaken to
the awful truth.
I am ALONE!?!
The feelings of
rejection cut deeply,
The words I want
to say but can’t allow myself to speak,
The knowledge
that I will never be,
The truth lies in
my mind
And in my shattered
heart, but I can’t accept it.
I live everyday
fighting myself,
Fighting to
pretend that I am loved,
That I matter to
someone,
That I am
important to the ones I love.
I live inside my
head,
With thoughts
that would scare anyone else,
I cover it up
with a smile,
A smile that is
nothing but a HUGE lie.
I am holding on,
Grasping at
straws,
Straws that are
not even there,
Hoping that someday
I will actually make contact.
If it was
allowed,
I would scream,
Scream so loud that
maybe, just maybe,…
Someone would
listen,
And finally hear
me.
I am always
crying out,
But honestly it
is pointless,
No one hears me,
No one wants to
hear me.
That is the
truth.
Even when I say
how I feel,
No one listens,
No one cares.
I have lived my
entire life being a nothing,
I will continue
to live the rest of my life the same way,
As long as I accept
it,
And honestly I
have no other choice.
If I stand up for
myself,
Say how I really
feel,
Be myself,
Then all is a
failure.
I ask myself all
the time,
Why am I so unlovable?
What do I do so
wrong?
Why won’t anyone
listen to me?
Am I NOT
screaming loud enough?
Are my cries drowning
in the sound of the breeze?
I have a dream,
I dream of a day
when all negativity leaves,
A day when I can
wear the beautiful dress,
And marry the man
of my dreams.
I have a dream of
a day when my cries are heard!
When someone
realizes that I have been crying,
Crying all along,
Waiting to be
heard,
Waiting to be
seen,
A day when I am
really finally loved.
I want someone to
see inside my head,
To think what I
do,
To feel what I
feel,
To understand me.
I remember
growing up feeling exactly like I do now,
Empty, like no
one cares,
Or understands
Or listens.
Scared, like I am
all alone
And will always
be.
Alone, a feeling
that has never gone away.
I feel like I am
dying.
I thought that my
family,
My kids and my
lover would make it all better,
That they would
understand me,
Listen and
respect me.
I was wrong.
Today, I feel the
same,
I am ashamed of
who I am
And wish I was who
I am supposed to be
In the eyes of
the ones I love,
But truthfully,
I am worthless,
Pitiful,
Disgusting,
Ugly,
Fat,
Terrifying and
useless.
I am alone.
With my thoughts,
With feelings and
words
That I can’t even
say,
And don’t have
the right to feel.
And always will
be.