A few gems from Air Traffic Control

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles ."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose    Tower  Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. 
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in   Munich  overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in   Germany  . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. 
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the   US  Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"