Just for the guys
We've got the dirt on guy brains
I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I
look like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)
There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn,
and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I
first proposed in 1987, in a column explaining why men are physically
unqualified to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men -- because
of a tragic genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to
support agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women,
who can detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away.
This is why a man and a woman can both be looking at the same bathroom
commode, and the man -- hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) --
will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery
or even meat slicing; whereas the woman can't even see the commode, only a
teeming, commode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours
cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if
you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go
down there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25
minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done.
When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers
complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as making
lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate
readers belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to
say: Guess what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right.
This proof appears in a new book titled What Could He Be Thinking? How a
Man's Mind Really Works. I have not personally read this book, because, as
a journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article
by Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory
detail than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and
household mess in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess!
We're like: "What snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in
the dining room."
And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains.
Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus",
which is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does
not describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure
the size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex,
endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands
of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with
NFL highlights.
In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the
chemicals "oxytocin" and "serotonin", which, according to biologists, cause
humans to feel they have an inadequate supply of shoes. No, seriously,
these chemicals cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is
why women like to share their feelings. Some women (and here I am referring
to my wife) can share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an
event that took eight seconds to actually happen. We men, on the other
hand, are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often
don't have any. Really! Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like
we're thinking, we just have this low-level humming sound in our brains.
That's why, in male-female conversations, the male part often consists
entirely of him going "hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know
what he's really thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally,
"hmmmm."
So anyway, according to the Reuters article, when a man, instead of sharing
feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote
control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by changing
the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs
that feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes or bosoms) his
mate should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he is an insensitive
jerk. In fact, he is responding to scientific biological brain chemicals
that require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in
the scientific book What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really
Works, which I frankly cannot recommend highly enough.
In conclusion, no way was that pass interference.
I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I
look like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)
There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn,
and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I
first proposed in 1987, in a column explaining why men are physically
unqualified to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men -- because
of a tragic genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to
support agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women,
who can detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away.
This is why a man and a woman can both be looking at the same bathroom
commode, and the man -- hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) --
will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery
or even meat slicing; whereas the woman can't even see the commode, only a
teeming, commode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours
cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if
you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go
down there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25
minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done.
When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers
complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as making
lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate
readers belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to
say: Guess what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right.
This proof appears in a new book titled What Could He Be Thinking? How a
Man's Mind Really Works. I have not personally read this book, because, as
a journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article
by Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory
detail than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and
household mess in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess!
We're like: "What snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in
the dining room."
And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains.
Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus",
which is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does
not describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure
the size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex,
endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands
of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with
NFL highlights.
In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the
chemicals "oxytocin" and "serotonin", which, according to biologists, cause
humans to feel they have an inadequate supply of shoes. No, seriously,
these chemicals cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is
why women like to share their feelings. Some women (and here I am referring
to my wife) can share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an
event that took eight seconds to actually happen. We men, on the other
hand, are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often
don't have any. Really! Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like
we're thinking, we just have this low-level humming sound in our brains.
That's why, in male-female conversations, the male part often consists
entirely of him going "hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know
what he's really thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally,
"hmmmm."
So anyway, according to the Reuters article, when a man, instead of sharing
feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote
control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by changing
the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs
that feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes or bosoms) his
mate should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he is an insensitive
jerk. In fact, he is responding to scientific biological brain chemicals
that require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in
the scientific book What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really
Works, which I frankly cannot recommend highly enough.
In conclusion, no way was that pass interference.
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