Anger can be explained, there is no excuse for rage, ever - Uodate Dec 30, 2010

Update : I posted the article at Self-Growth.com, with only a few minor modifications, because I couldn't use boldface. It was approved. Yes !!!

Anger happens daily.

There are many situations that can make it come out. Here are a few examples :

1. A driver just passed right in front of you
2. You get hit from behind while standing in a bus
3. Your child breaks something precious
4. Somebody just put you down
5. You missed your plane because of a fussy clerk
6. You were ready to go skiing and it starts to rain
7. You just lost your job
8. Your spouse made something burn on the stove

A driver just passed right in front of you

That one is easy. Were you hurt ? No ? Did the other car touched yours ? No ?

If you shout at the person, calling him/her names, it won't change the past. It might make that person angry too, which could bring an escalation of hostilities.

If it's during winter, shouting is useless, the car windows are closed.

Thinking about it for long minutes will only make you suffer.

If your dark thoughts last more than a few minutes, ask yourself why, cause it defies common sense.

Let's put things in perspective. Nothing important happened. Yes, you were afraid for a second, and that's legitimate. The only 2 situations in daily life where fear is a good trigger for action are :

• A physical threat
• An important financial loss

So, forget about that driver. Realize that you, your spouse, your kids, everyone is fine, shrug the minor incident off your shoulders, and move on with your life.


You get hit from behind while standing in a bus

You're about to lash out at the person who hit you. You turn around...

The person has a white cane.

How long does your anger last ?


Your child breaks something precious

The first question should be : "Are you hurt ?" It will be the most reaction of most parents.

When you realize it's not the case, you want to give hell to your child.

I have one question for you : If your house was burning, would you care about that precious object while not knowing if your child is safe ?


Somebody just put you down

Are you sure you heard ( or read ) the words correctly ?
Could it be possible that the person is tired, is having a bad time, or is going through a tough period ?
Could it simply be a misunderstanding ?
Before burning with revenge, like the "normal" characters in most Hollywood movies, did you take to check out what the person meant ?

If the person did mean you harm :

• if it's not the first time it happens, maybe you're better off building relationships with other people. Clashes happen, sometimes, the 2 personalities just don't match, you've tried to understand or be understood, to no avail. Don't waste any more time and energy with that person, unless it's your spouse, in that case, seek other opinions, pray, and hope for the best
  
• Don't lose a second of sleep over it. Reasonable people will see what happened, and if you were nice and/or recognized your mistakes, you'll get sensible support. If you're the one who went too far, your real friends will tell you
• If the person was rude or used double talk, his/her downfall will happen sooner or later, I would say, sooner rather than later, especially in business relationships

You missed your plane because of a fussy clerk

Were your papers in order ? If that's not the case, you were looking for trouble.

Were you at the last minute ? Don't blame the clerk.


You were ready to go skiing and it starts to rain

I know, that's not what the weather reports had predicted.

Will you cry over it all day ?

If you complain about it to every person you meet, the first few might be sympathetic, but the others will think to themselves that you are just a whiner.

Ok. You are at that great ski resort, and you can't ski. Will you sit down on couch all day ?

Instead, think of the numerous possibilities :

• If you are alone with your spouse, enough said :)
• If your kids are there too, start teasing them, or discuss about the mysteries of life, they will drink your every word. First thing you know, the day will have been awesome
• If you are with friends, isn't that better than chatting on FaceBook ?

You just lost your job

No easy answer here. That  and losing someone dear to you are among the challenges God gives us to make us stronger.


Your spouse made something burn on the stove

If it makes you angry, there are 2 possibilities :

1. You're tired
2. Your relationship is going through difficult times

In both cases, the solution is simple to apply in principle, but tough to actually do it, cause you need to put pride aside.

Ask for forgiveness.

Don't say "I'm sorry". It's empty. You expect your spouse to say "it's ok". No, that's too easy, it's a cop out.

You are a human being. By definition, you are a mix of strength and vulnerability.

Ask for forgiveness.

Even more important, do it without expectations. Else, it doesn't come from the heart.

Your spouse doesn't forgive you immediately ? That's ok. It's a sure sign that you should have asked for forgiveness many times before. No problem. It's never too late to start asking for it.


The difference between anger and rage

As you can see from the examples, above, anger is part of human nature. It can never be justtified, but it can be explained.

Rage, on the other hand, is a tool to take control of a relationship when you're incapable to acknowledge your own fear.

Not only is rage not justifiable, it is unexplainable. It is never legitimate.

It's violence, plain and simple. Verbal violence, first, physical violence if you defy the enraged person and can't defend youself because you're a young child or if the law of the jungle made you the weakest of the spouses.

BTW, make no mistake. The media won't tell you, because it defies common sense.

The higher percentage of beaten spouses are women. But it's not what everyone believes, It's not something like 98 % to 2 %.

I don't know what the numbers are, but I dare say it's more like 80-20.

Which man would admit to being beaten by his wife ?

There are resources out there. But they are not easy to find.

Before anyone concludes I'm a beaten man and that's why I write these aberrations, know that I'm 6 foot 1 and weigh 210 pounds. My wife is 5 foot 4 and much much lighter than that. She would need a baseball bat to be a threat to me.

I will finish with this : Rage, like any other human behavior, is forgivable.