The Accidental Wedding

As you're planning your wedding, your mother breathing down your back, the bills piling up, stress coming between you and your fianc?, and the possibility that your wedding dress won't fit due to all the cake samples you've been nibbling on, the thought strikes: What if we just elope? You're not the first bride to think this and you won't be the last. But will you be the one that acts?

While wedding planning is stressful, the planning process isn't necessarily why couples elope. In fact, some couples elope first and then go on to plan elaborate weddings and receptions afterward. Others couples elope because they fear a lack of support from family members. Others elope on the spur of the moment, such as when falling in love quickly or perhaps when they're a little bit out of their senses due to too much partying in Vegas. Others elope to "make it official" now for insurance, tax, or other regulatory reasons rather than waiting months for everything else (the wedding date, wedding invitations, party planning, dress fittings, catering arrangements, etc) to fall into place. Whatever the reasons, eloping is fast and relatively pain-free.

In contrast, getting married the old-fashioned way involves a great deal of stress and a ton of money. Among the more stressful parts of wedding planning involves the relationship between the bride and just about everyone she loves. We've all heard of "Bridezilla," right? Do brides suddenly turn into monsters because they're asserting their right to be the center of attention or are they snapping due to the stress?

Rather than spending time with the love of her life, the months preceding the wedding are often filled with conflict. Perhaps the bride's parents are exerting more control over the planning than the bride and groom are equipped to deal with. For example, the bride may have recently gained her independence only to be thrown back into the role of a child who must do as her parents say. Instead of making her own decisions, her mother insists that she must wear her hair in an "updoo" or serve sparkling cider instead of champagne.

The bride's best friend may not be as accessible as the bride would like (after all, she too may have finally grown more independent), straining their relationship at a time when they're expected to be closer than ever. And what about the bride's other best friend, her fianc?? It's not unusual for grooms to back off and let the bride handle the details of the wedding planning. It's also not unusual for grooms to have no interest - zero, zip, nada - in wedding details. While the bride fawns over pretty satin ribbons and frets over whether or not to serve white or cream-colored Jordan almonds, the groom's eyes gloss over.

So, what's a future Bridezilla and her beloved, though disinterested, groom to do? For the sake of family harmony and future wedded bliss, running off and getting married at the courthouse has its appeal. While wedding planning is a carefully thought out process, elopements often border on accidental.

For example, the decision to elope is often made without regard to the rest of the family. Sure, your parents are driving you nuts, but they've been dreaming of this day for longer than you have. Your father's dreams of walking you down the aisle will now have a dark shadow cast over them. As you tell your folks that the deed is done, the disappointment in their eyes may haunt you forever. I didn't mean for this to happen, you think to yourself. This part is an accident.

Because your wedding plans extend far beyond the happiness of you and your groom, if you're seriously considering eloping, make sure it's done deliberately without accidental consequences. This may mean sharing your plans with your parents beforehand, possibly even including them in the elopement itself. This may mean getting married secretly and vowing never to let anyone find out. This may mean having a civil ceremony at the courthouse to take care of "official" business but going through with the wedding as planned.

Another unintended consequence of elopement includes the cost. Sure, you may be eloping to avoid the costs of getting married, but you won't necessarily be off the hook for all of those large deposits you or your parents put down. You may lose, or whoever's paying for the wedding may lose, thousands of dollars! While your parents may not mind spending thousands of dollars on your wedding, they will mind losing thousands in deposits with no fancy wedding or reception to show for it. Eloping to restore family harmony? Guess what, Sticking your folks with lost deposits isn't going to smooth things over.

Before you seriously consider eloping consider the following. Who else is invested emotionally or financially in the wedding? Why are you considering eloping family harmony, financial reasons, a need for simplicity or a more intimate setting?

Once you have a clear picture of your own motives, you can then assess whether or not eloping is the right choice. For example, will eloping solve your current problem or will it create new problems of its own such as alienating your family members or incurring additional costs? Have an honest conversation with those close to you about your situation. If you're concerned that the wedding is becoming too elaborate and too expensive, it's not too late for intervention. By communicating your fears, not only will you be able to address them, those involved may also breathe a sigh of relief. No one's saying that this conversation will be easy, but having the wedding of your dreams is no accident and you shouldn't be forced to run off in the middle of the night to achieve it.