How To Prevent Controlling Relationships From Hurting You

It's safe to say that the most common reason for controlling adult relationships is found primarily in the childhood experiences of one or both members of a dating or marriage relationship. Children who were reared in homes where there was a controlling parent(s) or high levels of instability have a greater likelihood of repeating these behaviours in their dating and married lives. Like actors in a play, in most controlling relationships there are two roles being played out, the controller and the controlled.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the "out of control" nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiralling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it's no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. The withholding of love by one or both of the parents as a means of keeping the child in line is also a very destructive and unsettling experience for children that can carry over into adult relationships.

It's because of one or a combination of the following reasons that a person decides to date or marry a controller. 1. This is what they grew up with and it's what they're accustomed to. So even though it's not enjoyable, it is strangely comfortable, being controlled that is. 2. They are attempting to change the controller, to reform them. Often this is done unconsciously as a means of trying to mend the unhealthy relationship they had with their primary care giver or parent. 3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller's, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they're probably not. 4. Being with a controller seems to make life easier at times because they don't have to make very many decisions, because that's what the controller does. It gives them someone to blame when things don't work out right because...they didn't make the decision!?!?

If you're looking to break free from a controlling relationship, here's a few things to consider.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it's vital to realize that "you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in." In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent's problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it's common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child. In order to drive it deep into your subconcious mind, I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over. "You are not responsible for the environment you grew up in." As importantly, "you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult." You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If it's your intention to try and reform a controller....please stop. Trying to control something you have no control over is the best possible way to create insanity in an individual. The only control any of us have is over ourselves. If we will spend our time working on our own hang ups and shortcomings, we will gain increased feelings of control over our lives. Trying to reform a controller is really just a futile effort to control another person.

3. Don't hide behind a controller's bad behaviour to make yourself look good, to cover up your lack of personal initiative and commitment to growth. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Take some time to research what your life purpose might be. Why are you here? We've most likely never met, you and I, yet I am quite sure you have abilities and gifts that can be used to make the world a better place to live.

4. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. Being in a relationship with a controlling person can be pretty terrific because they are more than happy to make most if not all the decisions. That seems to make things easy, except that you aren't developing the habit of making good decisions. This step is rarely about skill, and more about will. "But I don't know how!" you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. The process of learning to make better choices is the same as learning any new skill, it gets better and better with more practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!