~ Inside My life ~

My life isn’t even my own,

I give and give and give,

My heart, my soul,

There is nothing left for myself.

It is a vicious cycle,

One that no one should ever have to live,

I wake up, only to realize that there is no one.

Empty air is the only sound,

That and the never ending sound of my heart

As it shatters.

While I sleep, I dream.

I dream of a life that I lived once,

Not so very long ago.

A life where I mattered,

Where my thoughts were taken seriously,

And my feelings respected,

Only to awaken to the awful truth.

I am ALONE!?!

The feelings of rejection cut deeply,

The words I want to say but can’t allow myself to speak,

The knowledge that I will never be,

The truth lies in my mind

And in my shattered heart, but I can’t accept it.

I live everyday fighting myself,

Fighting to pretend that I am loved,

That I matter to someone,

That I am important to the ones I love.

I live inside my head,

With thoughts that would scare anyone else,

I cover it up with a smile,

A smile that is nothing but a HUGE lie.

I am holding on,

Grasping at straws,

Straws that are not even there,

Hoping that someday I will actually make contact.

If it was allowed,

I would scream,

Scream so loud that maybe, just maybe,…

Someone would listen,

And finally hear me.

I am always crying out,

But honestly it is pointless,

No one hears me,

No one wants to hear me.

That is the truth.

Even when I say how I feel,

No one listens,

No one cares.

I have lived my entire life being a nothing,

I will continue to live the rest of my life the same way,

As long as I accept it,

And honestly I have no other choice.

If I stand up for myself,

Say how I really feel,

Be myself,

Then all is a failure.

I ask myself all the time,

Why am I so unlovable?

What do I do so wrong?

Why won’t anyone listen to me?

Am I NOT screaming loud enough?

Are my cries drowning in the sound of the breeze?

I have a dream,

I dream of a day when all negativity leaves,

A day when I can wear the beautiful dress,

And marry the man of my dreams.

I have a dream of a day when my cries are heard!

When someone realizes that I have been crying,

Crying all along,

Waiting to be heard,

Waiting to be seen,

A day when I am really finally loved.

I want someone to see inside my head,

To think what I do,

To feel what I feel,

To understand me.

I remember growing up feeling exactly like I do now,

Empty, like no one cares,

Or understands

Or listens.

Scared, like I am all alone

And will always be.

Alone, a feeling that has never gone away.

I feel like I am dying.

I thought that my family,

My kids and my lover would make it all better,

That they would understand me,

Listen and respect me.

I was wrong.

Today, I feel the same,

I am ashamed of who I am

And wish I was who I am supposed to be

In the eyes of the ones I love,

But truthfully,

 I am worthless,

Pitiful,

Disgusting,

Ugly,

Fat,

Terrifying and useless.

I am alone.

With my thoughts,

With feelings and words

That I can’t even say,

And don’t have the right to feel.

And always will be.